I’m not so big on crazy-ass conspiracy theories…unless they’re mine. I believe there are extraterrestrial androids (XA) among us. Are they evil and out to take over our world? Are they benign and here to study us? Or do they just need our women? My research is, so far, inconclusive. But, rest assured; as soon as I know the whole truth, I will share it.

Here’s what I do know: XA’s are usually tall, good-looking, and super-healthy (but, like all machines, eventually break down). All of them were sent here to study specific areas of human interactions.

I’ve spotted a few of them and will share their status and explain why I think their androids:

Brigitte Nielsen
images-13.jpeg Status: Android
Mission: Sex practices among humans
No Earth woman could possibly go from marrying Sylvester Stallone to dating Flavor Flav. Could there be two men more different from one another? Obviously, Ms. Nielsen was sent here to study the range of our sexual natures.

That Guy from “Cheaters”
images-4.jpeg Status: Android
Mission: Testing the range of human emotions
I recognized him as an android the moment I saw him, and not a very well made one. His non-blinking eyes, expressionless face, and monotone voice are a dead giveaway. As host of a show that films people in their most distressing, embarrassing, angriest, and saddest moments, he has a front row seat to the extremes of human emotions.

Dick Clark
Status: Android
Mission: Exploring human entertainment
Everyone knows androids can’t dance or understand the concept of beauty. That’s why Mr. Clark hosted American Bandstand AND the Miss America Pageant. This was the only way he could study us up-close and report back to his home planet. Sadly, Mr. Clark, who seemed for so long to never age, is getting older and beginning to malfunction.

Condoleezza Rice
images-14.jpeg Status: Android
Mission: Studying political interactions of humans
She’s smart, attractive, and powerful. So how come she’s a 50-year-old virgin? Because she doesn’t have time for sex! She’s too busy running experiments on the political willpower of humans. Rove and Cheney aren’t the puppet-masters, she is.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
images-81.jpeg Status: Not Android
Mission: To be President of the United States
Oh, sure he’s married to Maria Shriver and we all know that Kennedy was killed because of the whole Roswell thing, but the man can’t even ride a motorcycle. As the saying goes, “To err is human.”

Like I said, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but I will keep an eye on this one for you. That is until the flesh-eating zombies come from outer space.