7:30PM Briter decided to celebrate my return home with a party. I was supposed to arrive by 3:30, but didn’t get home until 7PM. I guessed by the empty Stoli and Parrot Bay Rum bottles, he began without me. The lampshade on his head was a dead-giveaway. Plus, he said, “Dude! I am sooooo drunk!”

Notice the half-full bottle of Midori on the left.

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11:30PM The B-Man and I ate dinner while Briter stared at the candles on the table. Just kept staring and staring. I swear, sometimes I think the kid does more than hit the bottle. Eventually, he falls and drunkenly tries to stand up using the candleholder for support—nearly burning his hand in the process.

Note the empty bottle of Midori.

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2:23AM We awake to the sounds of Briter retching in the bathroom.

Notice the Midori green vomit.

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Briter, I think you should get some help. Thanks for the party.